A Moment That Stays REVISED

A Moment That Stays

The parking lot of the grocery store is bathed in grey

As thick woolen clouds mute the afternoon light.

The little girl sits in the back seat of the burgundy Buick

Her stick legs tucked beneath her like a fawn.

Her face pokes between the front seats

Like a flower through cracks in the sidewalk.

The old man sits in the driver’s seat, staring forward.

He smells musty, a deep warm scent that is comfortingly familiar.

The skin on his long face hangs,

His five o’clock shadow white

Like fine salt sprinkled on his jaw.

They listen to the murmur of the engine

And the rhythmic thwip, thwap, thwip, thwap of the windshield wipers

Gliding back and force across the glass in a squeaky repetitive ballet.

Tain pricks the glass and roof of the car

Tik, tik, tik, tik, tik.

They watch the entrance to the store vigilantly

Like a pair of hunting dogs

Waiting for mother and grandmother to return,

Weighted down by brown bags bursting food.

Grandpa tells the little girl of his days in college.

Bored by the story, entranced by the voice, she listens.

He begins to sing in a low, gravelly voice,

The crackles and scratches sounding like an old record.

We are poor little lambs who have lost our way

Ba, ba, ba.

Tik, tik, tik.

Thwip, thwap, thwip.

Sometimes she wonders if the memory is even real.

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The most useful parts of this reading definitely included the part about writing from a different perspective other than first person. The part about imagery also helped me to show more than tell in this revision. I also tried to change up both the word choice to make it more visual as well as ending the poem with an abstract statement instead of another image. I also went for changing how the poem is written on the page. I liked how in the chapter on editing it talked about how there's no specific number of times a poem needs to be revised or how much it should be revised, and that it's relative to each poem. I also found it comforting to read that every poet ever has a "shitty first draft". It made me feel better about not producing the perfect poem as soon as I sit down, and how editing is part of the process of creating a good poem.